Listening through pregnancy

Before my son's birth, my knowledge of pregnancy and childbirth came from sitcoms and movies, as it often does for many. Just in case you didn't know, that's not a reliable source. Pregnancy is not about three or four episodes of laughter and growing discomfort, followed by an episode when "the water breaks."

Every pregnancy and childbirth is unique, so this is not an attempt to paint a one-size-fits-all picture but to share my own experience. I think of the period when my wife was pregnant as one filled with waves – some great, some not-so-great, physical, emotional – all occurring simultaneously, with some peaking while others are receding. It was an overall great experience, full of very happy and exciting moments but also with several challenges. The most challenging part for me was witnessing her go through the not-so-great moments, both physically and emotionally, and not knowing exactly how to help. To be clear: my wife was dealing with much more than I ever would have to, so my challenges were small compared to hers, but they were still connected. I wanted to help and make things better for her, even though many times I didn't know how, and this frustration was compounded by my reluctance to bring it up, as I didn't want to make things worse for her. Ultimately, what I learned is that the best way to help was to listen carefully and genuinely and understand as much as I could. Does that sound easy to you? Lucky you.

As one example among a few, ranging from emotional to physical and everything in between, there were moments when my wife expressed doubts and fear about not been a good mother once our child was born. To me, that was shocking. How could such a thought even enter her mind? I immediately went into problem-solving mode, assuring her that there was no chance she wouldn't be a great mother and listing the numerous wonderful things she had done, such as caring deeply for her niece's well-being and upbringing with high values and moral standards. However, I soon realized that my comments, while well-intentioned, weren't really helping. I wasn't really listening. Despite having heard multiple times about the importance of deep listening, especially during these crucial moments in life, my brain tended to gravitate toward problem-solving immediately. This was a skill valuable in work and life, but during this pregnancy period, I learned it needed to be tempered at times. It wasn't just me; my wife, with the precision of a seasoned engineer, was also trying to find solutions to some of her concerns, and her frustration was growing as she couldn't find them.

I can't pinpoint the exact moment, but it was a day when my wife began to express some physical discomfort and doubts, and perhaps due to a mix of my frustration and fatigue, I decided to simply listen without trying to act on it. This didn't mean I stayed silent and nodded; instead, I genuinely listened to what she had to say and asked more questions about how she was feeling. This led to a profound conversation, providing much more relief than my previous attempts to provide solutions for similar instances. I don't remember exactly how the conversation started, but it was clear that the starting point was vastly different from the endpoint. We had delved into multiple layers of what was happening, and, in this case, deeply listening to my wife had proven to be far more beneficial than anything else I had tried before.

So, am I saying that the answer was always to listen and understand deeply without taking further action? Not at all. Many situations did require action, but I also learned that by listening carefully before leaping into solutions, my actions translated into better results. Additionally, I discovered that I didn't need to feel that I couldn't talk to my wife about the challenges I was facing, fearing that I might add more problems. The reality was that she also wanted to discuss these things. Sometimes we found solutions to our challenges, sometimes we found relief, and other times we knew there was nothing we could do, but we both had a much deeper understanding of what we were experiencing, and that ultimately proved to be the most beneficial.

Although the title of this post suggests its relevance to the pregnancy period, the skill of deep listening has extended beyond those nine months. It's a valuable skill for navigating what came after and what I’m sure will come ahead. More on that in future posts. Stay tuned.